Dear Amil,

Not too long ago, my girlfriend, her friend from work, and I were hanging out at her apartment. Whilst my girlfriend was off in her room, her friend and I discussed where we would eat that night. We looked at some places online and he told me he was going to take a shit. Right when he got up I decided to check my email, and Amil, I didn’t have enough time to enter my username and password before he came out of the bathroom. I looked at him in shock and he just said, “what, I’m quick.” I told him it takes me longer just to wash my hands and he said, “I don’t wash them.” I was shocked, but his explanation offended me to my core. He didn’t wash his hands, because he “didn’t touch anything.”

Here’s the problem, when I told my girlfriend about our friend’s filthy hygiene habits and his absurd explanation she responded that a man who doesn’t wash his hands after defecating is “her kinda guy!” I don’t know what to do? How can I be with someone like this? Her kinda guy? I know the women these days are fans of the “dirty” boys, but I always thought dirty was more of a stylistic choice, not someone with heinous hygiene that can put all of our health in jeopardy.

So, I’m guessing the only option is to break up with her? But do I need to somehow light the both of them on fire? Humanity is at stake.

Dear Gigantic Parasite,

That is disgusting and don’t you go thinking that lighting the two of them on fire is going to end this fecal blight on mankind because you have obviously been contaminated yourself. Murder-Suicide. That is the right thing to do.

And tell me this! Did you then afterwards go out and consume food with this person? Are you saying to me that you broke bread right after he broke poo? Ay yay yi!

Look at these worms, do they not look like something that happens to someone when they don’t wash their hands after they poo!? DO THEY NOT?

But I mean, if you really love this person, if that is even possible now, I guess it can be worked out. My toilet clogged on the weekend and I was like, “Okay, Amil, time to move. You can’t ever use this toilet again as it’s been, well, you know – compromised.”

But I love my apartment and it’s too late to start looking for something in the middle of summer, so whatever, I just bleached the shit out of it and then had a really, really long shower. So what I’m saying is, throw some bleach on her, hope it takes and then scrub the fuck out of your wormy body.

Dear Ms Niazi,

I work “creatively” with a group of friends who are generally pretty funny awesome, except for one douche who consistently butts heads with me. Thing is, aside from his stubborn, idiotic ideas and unwillingness to ever listen to me, he’s the one who owns the expensive equipment we use (and by we, I mean not him, because we don’t really trust him with using it properly). We’ve joke kicked him out of the group before, but I’m through with jokes. Is this a situation where poisoning would come in handy? We just have to make sure we borrow the equipment before tainting his Vitamin Water, right?

Adventures in Dummyland

Dear Control Freak,

Just so we’re all clear, you’re a young scamp who has a clubhouse where you make cute Youtube videos with your little friends and one of them is bothering you with his always wanting to do dances to Single Ladies? Right? Because as an objective reader – and more importantly – an adult, that’s what I’m getting from your question. That you are a child.

Oh, you’re using some guy for his web cam, but you don’t know how to tell him that you hate his fat guts and you wish that he had never been born? Well why don’t you get a job and buy your own Carebears Handy Cam, so that your “No Dummiez Allowed” club can be exactly the way YOU want it to be.

Grow up!

Dear Amil,

Your literary prowess and humorability tickle my fancy so.
Perchance, might you be available for dating and/or meaningful friendship?

Sincerely,
No Lecherous Intent

Dear Perv,

1.) Humorability is not A word, let alone ONE word
2.) Pray tell, what sort of meaningful friendship would you like us to have over the internet? Cyber-perv.
3.) Send me a picture, NO FATTIES! A/S/L?

+1 The LA Times has discovered the Metro Vancouver gang war. The lesson to be learned: stay out of Abbotsford.

+1 Gas tax of 3.6¢ per litre now in force. Feel free to start bitching irrationally.

0 The leader of the BC Conservative Party resigns. No, it’s not Carole James.

-10 Idiot Horby Street merchants think increased bike is worse for business than cars.

Today: -8 This Year: +1

+15 Someone must apply for this: Whistler Olympic party zone producer Shhh. Play it cool. Say you will spend the $17.8-million! on videos and family shit.

-1 People are shitting themselves over Evergreen Line construction, fearing it will be like the Cambie Street cut & cover. The Evergreen Line goes goes through a mountain.

0 Facebook perma-defriender out on bail. Plans to use Vancouver Sun classifieds for future threats so no one will notice.

-10 Media freaks out because Jonas Brothers fans had to wait thirty minutes. Also, they had trouble parking.

Today: +4 This Year: +9

-15 You know how we mock the Americans for tolerating ‘warrantless wiretaps. It seems we do it too. A lot.

-10 Park Board is now charging for grass. $13 a hit.

+25 Parents want Mandarin immersion programmes. Which is about time. A lot of money is spent on a second language few people in BC need to speak and no money spent on the language of the 19th, 20th, and 21st century BC.

-50 Charles, Prince of Canada and his consort will be dropping by a country and province that can’t seem to figure out what an embarrassment a monarchy is.

Today: -50 This Year: +5

Dear Amil,

Recently I went to see Phish. My friends won’t stop with the teasing. I’ve tried to play them a few songs to convince them that it’s ok. They didn’t like Chalkdust Torture. They really didn’t like Fluffhead. Now the teasing is so much worse. They are calling me Fluffhead and they mean penis when they say it. What should I do?

Phishhead

Dear Take Me Now Lord,

Wow. You are blowing my Fluffhead with this question. And I mean penis when I say that.

I’m not saying I know the most about music, but when you say Phish, you mean that band with the ice cream? Are we talking about Cherry Garcia?

Look, I saw Lillith Fair at a very impressionable young age so I’m not going to judge you too hard, but you should know that it’s taken years to erase that experience from my memory. But I have. I unbraided the body hair. I took down my “Smash the Patriarchy” posters. I’ve moved on. I’m like, “Paula Cole who?”

So listen to your friends when they say, “Shut up about that band that no one has ever heard.”

The healing starts right here.

Dear Amil,

What should I do with my life? I feel like I’m going nowhere fast.

Aimless

Dear It’s The Journey, Not the Destination (bullet!),

It’s a recession, dummy! There’s not time for pontification or bourgeoisie yearning. People are eating squirrels, god dam you!

Finding yourself is for closers!

Jokes. Here you go:

+15 Hundreds of people defend the Mobile Access Project van with fire.

+15 Also on Megaphone, an intriguing art project of paint portraits of the missing Vancouver women.

-5 You read it first in Only, now you can read it in the Sun four months later: Mounties harassing Olympic activists in advance of the games.

+5 This is yet another reason that transit directors should be required to retire their cars and live like normal people: Transit riders in Greater Victoria will not be allowed to carry any alcohol on board buses this Canada Day.

-5 Condo owner complains that violence happens in homeless shelters undre Granville Bridge yet tolerates dens of bad rock on the Granville strip.

Today: +25 This Year: +55

If you enjoyed the first Transformers movie then you will definitely enjoy this one. If you did not enjoy the first movie for whichever reason then… well I don’t know. Personally I found Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen an entertaining film to watch, but not much more. It’s loud, action filled, with lots of explosions and hot chicks. Well, one. Pretty much 20 minutes into the film the action explodes and from then on you get to witness ridiculous amounts of electronic devices battling over the destiny of the planet we call home. The sappy moments of this movie highly annoyed me because of the lame writing. You get to know all the quirky little personalities of the machines yet all you get to know about the characters is that Megan Fox looks really damn good running in slow motion. - Lili Davis
It’ll probably be a big hit. [ED]

-5 Happy ending ends with gunfire.

+5 Credit Check is sick and tired of yet another Naked Man runs off with Fast Food story.

-5 Pulp and paper bailout. Seal clubbing enthusiasm. Now we are supporting Asbestos. Honestly, when will we start funding research into phlogiston?

+5 This story on small BC cities redeveloping their downtowns is all well and good but when Credit Check was living in Prince George in 1980, the plan then was to put a dome over the entire downtown.

+5 RainCity housing has the solution to bed bugs: cook the bastards.

+25 Megaphone has an excellent issue on the politics of food But don’t be cheap and click the link – buy it from your local vendor.

Today: +30 This Year: +30

+5 What? First the Province criticised the actions of the Vancouver Police (albeit when one of their own was affected), now they admit to climate change. Next thing you know, they’ll be saying that having an unemployment rate is a fixed part of the capitalist system and poor people should not be demonised.

+5 How can a province that continually re-elects Gordon Campbell and Stephen Harper think that inviting US president Barack Obama would be a cool thing to do? You know, there are people left of Salazar here too, you know.

-25 Bad Lieutenant Report Oh, here’s a shocker. The Mounties circulated an email that says the Airport 4 planned to taser Robert Dziekanski, before they even encountered him.

-5 The Federal Science Minister is funding a strange conference on Israel/Palestinian relations. We don’t even want to know what twisted fantasy this guy has that puts the Israel/Palestinian in the context of science.

-10 DTES rents through the roof, says report

Today: -30 This Year: -30

Dear Amil,

Help. I like a boy. What do I do?

Crushing

Dear Twilight fan,

I had no idea that this column appealed to a ‘tween fanbase. But I’m honoured you would turn to me in your pivotal “our bodies, ourselves” years. I just assumed most people with your vocabulary were sexting each other to death and then dry humping like zombies until you were teen-pregnant. Modern times! However, the Dance of Romance TM is complicated regardless of age or emotional maturity. Now, without knowing what you both look like it’s hard for me to truly gauge your potential love connection (barf.) But the illustration below pretty much sums up the courtship process as practiced by humans from Roman times to the present.

EASY!

Dear Amil,

Recently, I caught one of my friends showing another friend a magic trick at a bar. He was on his way out but I begged him to show me a trick before he left and when he finally conceded, he showed me one of the most amazing tricks I’ve ever seen. He had me hold out my hands, make a fist while he lit a cigarette, had me open my hand, and there were ashes in my left hand. Amil, I don’t remember for sure, and I was a little drunk at the time, but I think the ashes were still a little warm.

Here’s the thing. I love magic. I don’t know how to do any tricks (magicians prefer the term effect) and I don’t read any magazines or books or the whatnot, but my love is real. I watch magic on TV a lot. I’ll pay to see David Copperfield if he comes to town, and in fourth grade, when we had to do a report on great Jews for Hebrew school I chose Houdini over Golda Meir and Steely Dan. So needless to say, I was super bummed. I mean this is the type of trick that only a magician would know, it would not be the only trick in your repertoire. This is a trick that clearly takes a long time to master, and because it involves smoking, means he started practicing in college, outside of the parents’ house, so the whole, I used to do magic in high school excuse is out the window.

I accused my friend of not being a good friend. He accused me of being a moron. I’m not disputing the latter, but I’m still arguing for the former. His arguments against not being a good friend are as follows:

1) He never knew I loved magic.
2) I never asked him to show me magic.

1) This is crazy. Everyone in my group of friends knows I’m the one that loves magic. I had a magician at my fucking twenty-fourth birthday party. And while Mike claimed he didn’t attend – the ridiculousness of having a magician at my birthday party, let alone the awesomeness of the magic itself would have made its way to Mike. In my group of friends you can’t take a shit longer than ten minutes (or shorter than three I guess) without its getting talked about. I once got a phone call in California because I had to be told about an argument my friends got into over whether white chocolate is in fact chocolate. So that’s a bunch of bullshit. Also, this magician who performed at my party also performed magic opening up for the band Cake. In addition to loving magic, my friends make fun of me for listening to Cake, and it came up many times that “my favorite magician opened up for my favorite band.”
2) I never asked, because if you know something that amazing, and you are a friend of mine, I shouldn’t have to ask to see it.

Right now we’re in a big fight. I’m mad at him. I’m willing to drop it all and tell him, I love magic, but I still would like him to acknowledge that in ten years of friendship, I should have known about his talent before a week ago.

What’s the deal?

Dear Sisyphus,

Your letter really speaks to the fragility of human connection. This world is such a cold, dark, hollow and ultimately tragic place and here is your friend, refusing to share with you the warmth of companionship. By not acknowledging your passion for Magik, while simultaneously denying you the gift of illusion, he is only reinforcing the lonely burden of our universal condition, the endless lament, if you will.

JUST KIDDING! Oh my god, what are you even talking about?

How the fuck is your friend supposed to know you are so krazy gay for MAGIC? Granted that birthday party, but as you said yourself he did not even attend. Maybe all he ever heard about that party was that you had a clown at your house and it made everyone very uncomfortable.

Here’s what I know:

1) Your friend has spent many years perfecting the art of putting ASHES IN YOUR HAND
2) If that is the trick he chose to do on you, you should be upset, because gross
3) The reason he probably learned magic in the first place was to perv on women, in which case, the last thing he wants to do is spend time wooing you with his elaborate “rabbit in the pants” trick. He’s like, “Here you fucking go guy, I just put a cigarette out in your hand. Now get outta here, I’ve got sexy moves to make.”

Also, this is totally your friend: